I am not a hole. I have a friend who made this very observation, and so taught her little sister what, on a woman’s body, the analogous structure to the penis was, and the child went about her kindergarden proclaiming to the world, “I have a clitoris! I have a clitoris!” Damn right, you do! It’s amazing what you can learn from a five-year-old.
It is an old observation, and I don’t suppose this– I know it. I know that The Vagina Monologues misnames the anatomy, and I know that more than half of America does too. I know that the vulva, the labia, the clitoris, hell, the internal stuff like the cervix and even the opening of the urinary tract get wrapped up in this horrible little misnomer: vagina. And do you know what it means? If you took Latin, yes you do. “Sheath.” Like for a sword. Also an old observation. I’m filled with old observations today.
And you bet your ass I have something to say about that. Yes, I have a vagina. It’s made of black leather and holds my kukri blade. Because if I have a sheath, you know I have the sword to go with it. And if anyone ever tells me again I’m just another hole to fuck, do you know where I’m going to stick that blade? Yes, yes you do know.
More amusingly, and speaking Greco-Romantically, having both sheath and sword… does that make me a hermaphrodite?